Rebel to Redeemed: Finding Forgiveness

I realized part of the healing process was finding forgiveness.  This was far from easy.  My emotions ranged from loving Duncan* to hating him.

I realized that I had to allow myself to feel regardless of the emotion, to acknowledge that emotion and go with it.  I kept a notebook and began to journal my feelings.  For that first year and a half, I wrote Duncan a letter in my journal every day.  Reading back over these, some are filled with love and other entries are filled with anger.  {Note: I did not mail or send these letters}.

Duncan tried to weasel his way back into my life, but I saw the lies and tricks for what they were.  In time I realized the best course was to completely have no contact.  I also took other preventative measures for my safety, such as not telling him where I was, using a PO Box, not forwarding my mail and not having a listed telephone number.

Each day I said, “I forgive you,” even though on many days I did not feel like forgiving him.  Then I began to realize that I meant it, but would later be filled with anger and hurt again.  I had to consciously make the effort to forgive him.   In time I realized that I really meant what I said and I had forgiven him.

I also discovered that forgiving him was doing me the most good.  I was able to let go and move forward through forgiveness and not have it hold me back.

However, just because I forgave him DOES NOT mean that I have forgotten.

*Name changed